The Heart's Cry
by Sabina-san
Summary: Delenn experiences intense emotions and self-doubt when John returns from Z'Ha'Dum. Can their relationship ever be the same again?


**Author's Note: **Babylon 5 belongs to JMS and Warner Brothers. This work has spoilers for the episodes "Z'Ha'Dum," "The Summoning," and "Falling Toward Apotheosis." Some dialogue was borrowed from these episodes as well as some others from Season 4.

* * *

"Don't listen to her! She must be silenced!"

Those were the words Delenn had feared would be said at the rally being held in the Zocolo. She had hoped the meeting would remain peaceful even though the topic was indeed a controversial one. Was her fleet the best course of action? The atmosphere had been charged even before she made her appearance in the crowd. The people's fear had been palpable, and Delenn completely understood their fear. She was afraid herself, wondering if their efforts were going to work against the Shadows. Ever since John had fallen at Z'Ha'Dum, she was unsure of what the next step should be. She had spent days wallowing in her grief, purposefully fasting in the hopes of joining John beyond the veil. During those days, the future did not matter. She had found herself caring less and less about the fate of the galaxy, which was so unlike her in the days leading up to John's departure from the station. She had always been the one who had cared for others, sacrificing herself to serve them. For the first time in a long time, she was allowing herself to become selfish and no one could shake her from her grief. It took one simple message, delivered by Stephen, to snap Delenn back into her strong, determined self. The message came from John's private log days before he took his leave, and one line in particular stuck out for her.

_"I look into her eyes and I let myself think...maybe...I really can fly."_

She had to finish the work they started. John would have wanted that, and she was sure he would be very upset to see her crumbling this way. That message is what led to this moment, all the races gathered in the Zocalo to protest Delenn's fleet. The words uttered by the Brakiri ambassador triggered those around Delenn and Lennier to turn and try to grab hold of the Ambassador. Lennier noticed a Brakiri lunging toward Delenn and issued the first push, which triggered the rest of the crowd around them to begin their own shoving. Lennier continued to defend his beloved mentor. Delenn herself was not completely helpless. Raising her arms, she continued to shove the fighters away from her, trying to get closer to the catwalk the ambassadors were standing on.

"You are acting out of fear!" she cried.

She had to make them understand that what she was doing was the right thing. They had to raise forces now to defeat the Shadows. It would only be a matter of time before the Shadows began their major assaults. Could the other ambassadors not see that? Yes, there was a small part of her that felt she was doing this to avenge John's death, but she knew that overall, she had to summon a fleet for the good of the entire universe.

"And you are acting out of grief and loss!" the ambassador retaliated. "If Sheridan has died, why not the rest of us?"

Delenn continued to shove back at the people around her. As the ambassador rambled on about the fallacies of attacking Z'Ha'Dum, Delenn looked up toward the catwalk and saw a shadowed figure walking up the stairs. She paused in her movements, wondering who the silhouette belonged to. It looked familiar to her, but the poor lighting was preventing her from positively identifying who the shadow belonged to. As the figure reached the top of the stairs and entered into a small circle of light, Delenn lowered her arms in disbelief. The others around her looked up as well and stopped mid-shove. Everyone's attention focused upward. Delenn's heart jumped and caught in her throat. Her mouth was open slightly in disbelief. Her mind tried to tell her heart not to believe who was standing in front of her.

_John..._

So many emotions began to rage within her. She wanted to cry in relief that he was alive. She was in disbelief for the same reason. Susan, Lyta, and herself had not felt any of his life signs when they traveled to Z'Ha'Dum. Their trip had only confirmed her worst fears, and yet, here he was, standing in front of her. He looked completely healthy; not like he had been dead for over a week. Her love for him made her so overjoyed to see him. But, then her stomach dropped unpleasantly as she thought about the night before he left. Anna had appeared on the station after Delenn had convinced herself, for John's sake, that she was dead. Later, after it was too late, did she realize that Anna had been taken over by the Shadows and made to be their puppet. It was this flashback that unsettled her stomach. What if what happened to Anna had happened to John?

_No...he would never serve them_, she thought fiercely. _But...John thought the same about Anna...and we were both proven wrong._

John began to speak to everyone in attendance. His speech patterns were the same. He looked the same. Everything about him screamed out that he was indeed who Delenn thought he was. Delenn felt the overwhelming desire to go up to John. She wanted to touch him and solidify the belief that he was indeed who he looked like. She glanced at Lennier, who looked passively back at her. He didn't show any sign that he didn't believe it was Sheridan. That made Delenn's mind up for her. She left Lennier's side and raced toward the stairs to the catwalk. She tried to remain dignified, but her heart was winning over her mind. She took the stairs as fast as she could without drawing undo attention to herself. Her heart thumped wildly in her chest as she thought about how she would greet him. So much had happened before he left, and she wasn't sure she was forgiven. Yet, she had to touch him again. She had to believe that he was alive and here to stay. She reached the end of the catwalk as John's speech ended and the crowd erupted into cheers. As she continued her approach, John turned and finally noticed her. She could tell in his body language that he was glad to see her. She held out a hand and her pace quickened to close the distance between them. Her heart raced now, waiting for that moment she could embrace him once more.

In what seemed like slow motion to her, they finally touched. His strong, familiar arms wrapped around her waist. Her hands fell easily onto his broad shoulders. She inhaled briefly, taking in his scent. _It smells like him._ She then looked into his eyes and saw something there that the Shadows could never reproduce: the genuine fondness and compassion he had for her. Delenn's heart fluttered with joy and she smiled widely. _It is him...thank Valen...it's John!_

"I thought I'd never see you again," she managed to whisper after a moment of silence. Tears of happiness filled her eyes.

John absorbed her words and took a moment to process what he wanted to say. He kept eye contact, letting her know that he meant every word he was about to say. "I'll never leave you, Delenn. Not if the whole universe stood between us."

Delenn smiled, then it fell a little as she thought about the painful fight they had before he left. _Does he forgive me my indiscretion_? she wondered. _Will our relationship ever be the same_? Her doubts began to cloud the happiness of the moment, and it began to feel bittersweet. If they hadn't fought, she knew she would try to kiss him, not caring who they were standing in front of, but she was unsure of where she truly stood in his heart. Yes, he had expressed his affection for her, but she still felt a sort of emptiness caused by self doubt. A brief moment passed between them before she forgot about kissing him and just settled for a gentle embrace. She rested her cheek on his chest and he laid his head against hers. They stayed in that position for a few moments, forgetting the world around them. Delenn didn't want to let him go. She wanted to drink in this moment because she had no idea what was to come. Was their relationship going to survive? Were they even going to make it through the war?

Eventually, John released her and she looked up at him. "There is plenty I need to discuss with everyone. Are you available for a meeting in my office?"

Delenn's heart dropped a little. Back to business. She forced a smile and tried to make it genuine. "Of course. When would you like me to arrive?"

"Is half an hour alright?"

Delenn nodded. "Yes."

John smiled the smile he saved for her eyes only. He grasped her upper arms and squeezed gently. "Alright. I'll see you then. I have to inform Ivanova, Garibaldi, and the others."

Again, Delenn nodded. She took a step back, then another, and then turned to walk away. She tried to hold on to her elation, but she could feel it slipping away by the second. The side of her that understood duty knew this meeting was necessary so soon after John returned. It sounded like he needed to tell them all some important information that could help with the war effort that he gathered during his absence. Her duty side also recognized the precarious situation they were in. Time was precious, and every second counted. Still, she could not mask the disappointment she felt. She had hoped they would have a moment to reconnect, to talk about what had transpired between them before he died. Delenn took a deep breath and began to clear her head of the selfish thoughts. Right now, the fate of the universe was more important. She had to re-focus on their efforts to defeat the Shadows. If they lost the war, she realized grimly, her relationship with John would cease to matter. Delenn reached Lennier's side and smiled.

"There is going to be a meeting in the Captain's office. I wish for you to accompany me." It was more of a request than a demand.

Lennier tilted his head in a small bow. "Of course." Lennier paused a moment, showing his discomfort with the personal question he was about to ask. "Is everything alright?"

Delenn recognized that Lennier's question could be interpreted two ways and chose an answer that would be as general as the question. "Yes. There is much to consider and discuss about the situation."

Lennier expressed understanding but did not say anymore. They left the crowded Zocalo, the walls reverberating with the cheers of a hero's return from death.

* * *

Delenn returned to her quarters later that night, her heart heavy from the news Lyta and Susan had brought to the meeting. The whole war had taken a more dire turn, and Delenn felt the sense of hopelessness that the others had felt. The Shadows were quite a formidable foe and to add another powerful race into the mix that wasn't on their side...well, everyone felt the painful realization of their mortality. Even Delenn had given in to the moment of feeling lost. John had adjourned the meeting for the night. They weren't going to get anywhere when they felt it was a lost cause. He wanted them to sleep on it and come back to the table with a fresh start. Delenn saw the wisdom in his reasoning, but knew she would get little sleep this night.

She looked around her quarters. A single candle in a triluminary stand still sat on her coffee table. The room was dimly lit from the lights in the ceiling and the blue and purple neon lights on the wall in her kitchenette. Her quarters were still spotless, hiding her days of grief and carelessness. She thought back on those days, trying to remember if she had noticed Lennier keeping her living space tidy. After a moment, she sighed and resigned herself to the knowledge that she hadn't paid attention to anything but her melancholy. The gentle, soothing colors of the purple wall paint and the distinctly Minbari decorations she had comforted her. Taking a deep breath and releasing it, she tried to relax the growing knot in the pit of her stomach. A part of her was hoping John would come to visit. She wanted to talk with him. She wanted to find out what he was truly thinking about the status of their relationship.

_This is all my fault_, she thought dismally. _If I had just admitted that there could have been a possibility that Anna was still alive instead of assuming she was dead, this ordeal could have been avoided._

Delenn supposed she could go to John herself and confront the situation, but she knew John was probably overwhelmed with everything now. Not only did he have everyone coming to see him to confirm for themselves that he was alive, but he had come back at a critical point in the war. He had a lot of information to digest, and Delenn was not about to add to his stress. She figured she would let him come to her when he felt ready to deal with the unresolved issues. She forced herself to find a constructive way to pass the time. She sat on her couch in front of the candle. The candle remained unlit, and for that, she was grateful. She had expected to return to her quarters to light the candle and meditate upon John's death and their upcoming battle with the Shadows. She was relieved that she didn't have to think about John's death. Now, she could concentrate on the war effort.

Delenn exhaled and closed her eyes, putting her fingers together to form the sacred triangle with her thumbs pointed toward the ceiling. She closed her eyes and began to regulate her breathing to fall into a state of relaxation. She needed to forget about the emotional turmoil she was in and focus on possible solutions to the new problem involving the Vorlons. But as she fell deeper and deeper into relaxation, she felt her mind wander back to the return of her lover. She felt her heart take flight once more, but it was quickly squashed as the reunion was so brief. He had reigned in the moment; he had reminded her that they had work to do. She felt her melancholy begin to set in as she remembered their encounter before he left Z'Ha'Dum.

_"You would've denied me the right to make that choice. How can you say that...and expect me to ever trust you again?"_

_The ice in his tone chilled Delenn to her core. She had heard that tone used before, but it had never been directed toward her. Even when there was a misunderstanding between them when John first came to the station, he had been cordial. Angry, yes, that he was being accused of killing a Minbari, but he was always respectful. He never once grew cold with Delenn despite her unforgiving tones. When they finally admitted to each other that there were mutual romantic feelings, she knew they would eventually fight about something. After all, they came from two radically different cultures, and both were strong willed. Still, Delenn had expected him to be cordial despite his anger like he had when they first had a disagreement as political allies. She never dreamed she would be the target of such icy fury. She watched as he stood and walked away from her. She could feel the rift between them starting. She realized then that she had made a grievous error, and it may end their budding love._

_She didn't know what to say. She had been certain, at the time she had asserted that Anna was dead, that she was making the right decision. Even though she had no decent explanation for why Anna was sitting in MedLab, Delenn still believed that she wasn't the Anna John had known and loved. Even telling him so didn't quell his returning grief for the loss of his wife and guilt of betraying her by beginning to feel for Delenn. Delenn also realized that anything she said now would not persuade John to think otherwise. At this moment, Delenn was the enemy. The only cards she had left to play were her emotions._

_"John…" he paused at the doorway. "I do love you." Tears began to form in her eyes and her voice cracked as she tried to convince him of her remorse. "If you believe nothing else I ever say…please…please believe that!"_

_Delenn hoped that her words would garner a response. All he did was walk away. He didn't even glance back at her. She could take the yelling, the roughness of his touch, and the force of his anger. She could stand strong against that because she knew where she stood with him. His silence is what killed her. She knew he was still furious with her, but the silence after her last statement…what did it mean in regards to what she said? Did he no longer love her because he felt she hid the truth from him?_

The memory brought physical pain to Delenn's breast. She gasped and her eyes flew open, the intensity of her emotions surprising her. The memories were still too recent, the wounds from that fight unhealed. She inhaled deeply and then exhaled, the released breath shaking from her overtaxed nerves. She knew she needed to sleep. Nothing was going to be solved by dwelling on the past. Delenn forced herself to quell her self-doubt and place duty first. She could worry about her mistakes later.

Her body felt weary. Content with her decision to rest, Delenn rose from the couch and made her way to her bedroom. As she approached the doorway, she turned to look back into the rest of her quarters. Everything was still and serene, just a fragile mask hiding the turmoil of the one who dwelt there. With a sigh, Delenn crossed the threshold of her bedroom and slid the frosted door shut.

* * *

The next day was immediately fast-paced from the moment Delenn awoke. Overnight, the Vorlons had attacked at least one more colony and as Delenn was preparing herself for a meeting with the Drazi Ambassador, she received word of another colony completely wiped out by the Vorlons. The unneeded loss of life threatened to make Delenn sick, her stomach already churning with grief from her own personal turmoil. She tried to calm her emotions with quick meditation as she made her way down the hallways to a conference room. The Drazi Ambassador wanted to discuss the terms of contributing ships to her fleet. Delenn was glad that John seemed to have changed the minds of many of the smaller worlds. She only hoped that it would be enough.

Delenn finally arrived in the room, the Drazi Ambassador already seated at a small circular table. She took a deep breath to center herself and tackle this challenge head on. The Drazi Ambassador stood, indicating his respect for her position. She smiled and bowed in greeting as she approached her chair.

"Please," she stated as she gestured to his chair. The ambassador seated himself as Delenn did.

"I wish to discuss an…addition to your fleet," the ambassador began.

Delenn nodded in understanding. "Thank you for offering what you can. I know it can be a great burden, but we need every resource you can spare."

There was an awkward silence as the ambassador floundered with his next statement. "I…would also like to apologize…" Delenn looked at him, confusion evident on her face. "for not trusting your judgment in the first place. We…we felt that it was not-"

"Please, there is no need to say any more. I recognize that my motivations could have easily been misread. Sometimes, it takes a new voice to repeat the message in a way that motivates everyone."

A gentle, reassuring smile was all the Drazi Ambassador needed to continue with his proposal. As he droned on, Delenn found herself only half-attending to what he was saying. Her thoughts wandered to John once more. She hated how he was alive, on the station, and yet, it seemed he was so far out of her reach. Every moment they had spent together had been about the war and with other people. There had been no time to talk about the proverbial elephant in the room. He had left her without a word, which, despite the message he had left for her, still spoke louder than those last recorded words.

_"Finally…I heard what you said when I left and I want you to know…that I love you, Delenn."_

Delenn wondered if he had said these words to comfort her, expecting to never come back to refute them, or if he truly did mean those last words. Not knowing and not having the chance to find out was slowly eating her up inside. She dwelled on everything that had happened in the past twenty-four hours as the Drazi Ambassador laid out how many ships they could supply. Delenn found she was not too upset with the few ships they could provide and she gave her approval. With a final good-bye, Delenn stood from her chair and left as quickly as possible without seeming like she was in a rush. She was disappointed with herself for being so distracted, but she had to find John now and set everything straight.

She entered the tube and told the computer where she wished to go. With the whoosh of hydraulics, the lift took off and she tried to concentrate on centering herself once more. She needed to approach John calmly, without emotion. She did not want to put him on the defensive right away, especially over such a charged topic as the way they parted.

The tube beeped at her and the doors slid open. Delenn took one more breath and walked into the hallway toward the doorway where all of this began. As she reached the door, she felt her heart pounding against her chest in fear and the expectation of finally seeing John alone. She rang the bell. After a beat, the door opened before her and she stepped in to see John seated in a stool by the counter top, watching Ivanova's report. He wore a simple black shirt and casual black pants. He looked comfortable despite the situation going on with the Vorlons. His dark eyes met hers for a beat before returning to the report. Delenn also turned her attention to the screen.

"We'll broadcast this message in twenty standard minutes."

The broadcast ended and Delenn turned away, looking at John briefly. He exhaled and placed a hand on the chair next to him, gazing down at the floor.

"You heard?" he asked solemnly.

Delenn nodded. "Yes. The shuttles-"

"No," John interrupted. "Not the shuttles. Her voice." John looked up at her. Delenn met his gaze and felt her heart flutter in the midst of her warring emotions. "She's afraid." He paused once more. "I've known Ivanova for almost ten years, on and off. I…I've never heard her afraid before."

John paused, lost in his realization about Ivanova. Delenn looked away, feeling the ever-pressing silence becoming stifling. Here was the moment when she could apologize for what she had done, but there were still so many strong emotions attached to it that she couldn't bring herself to start the conversation. She didn't know where to begin. She couldn't even look at him, her shame was so great. After a pregnant pause, John sighed once more and eased himself out of his chair. He glanced her way and came towards her.

"Ah…this is the first time I've seen you alone since I got back."

Delenn wanted to be close to him, but at the same time, couldn't bear to be near him. She still felt so guilty for betraying his trust. She took a step away and tried to continue the conversation.

"Everything has been so busy…there's hardly been time."

Where else could the discussion go other than what had transpired before John left? Delenn knew this was the moment of reckoning. She finally had to let her collected demeanor go and let her feelings rule. She desperately hoped that John would be able to forgive her for not being completely straight forward with him. If not…well, she would have to absorb the pain and try to get through it. She felt the tears well in her eyes as she thought about the all-too-real possibility of John's rejection.

"I thought I'd lost you," a pause as Delenn choked back a sob. "I thought it was my fault. I knew Anna might be alive, I said nothing…you went away. The only thing that might be as terrible as losing you would be if you came back...but could not forgive me, and I lost you again."

"You did what you thought was right."

Delenn couldn't help but smile at his kind tone, but it was an ironic one. She could just have accepted those words as his pardon for her mistake, but she couldn't let herself have it. He had to know how remorseful she was. She needed to let him know that she would never make that same mistake again if he would allow her a second chance. Delenn then shook her head as a signal that she was disagreeing with John.

"That's no excuse," she paused as she fought back her tears. She wished there was something more she could say to convey her sentiments. But nothing in her vocabulary would come close to what she was feeling at that moment. She settled for a simple phrase, hoping it would be enough for him.

"I'm sorry, John," she said quickly, biting back another sob.

John approached her, closing the distance between them. "I fell at Z'Ha'Dum, Delenn." There was the bite in his tone Delenn had expected. Still, it shocked her that he was using it at this time when he had been so gentle before. "I saw my own death and accepted it. I looked up and saw Anna…wh-what was left of Anna." Delenn cringed at the sound of the woman's name…the Helen of the whole mess. "At that moment, I said good-bye. The good-bye I could never say before. I let it all go!"

Delenn's thoughts were frantically racing. _Am I going to lose him because my words were inadequate? It is what I deserve…he may think I hid everything about Anna from him for my own selfish gain. It may have been at one point, but that was not my intent._ Another part of Delenn argued with her depressing thoughts. _But he knows me…he knows I would never have done something like that for my own gain. He must know I did it to protect him!_

"I only held on to one thing."

Delenn broke free from her thoughts, listening to John's words. His tone was softer now; more inviting. She tilted her head slightly, her eyes squinted in thought as he took a moment to choose the right words to say.

"The image of your sweet face." Delenn's heart leapt at his words. In disbelief, she slowly turned to face him as he continued to speak. "If I never came back…that was enough, but you gave me a reason to come back."

Delenn looked up into his eyes, seeing genuine love shining in them. She stared at him in wonder, amazed that he was accepting her simple yet humble apology.

"Could I love that much, a-and not forgive?"

Delenn could hardly believe it. The one person she was afraid of losing was accepting her for who she was and giving her a second chance. She was overwhelmed with love, relief, and joy all at once. All the emotions compiled together with such strength that it made her heart ache. Words escaped her. All she wanted to do was to feel him against her. She reached out a hand to touch his face, but then decided that would not be enough. She leaned against his chest, smiling as she felt his familiar warmth and strength. She clung to him, trying to stop tears of joy from spilling onto her cheeks. She felt his chin rest on top of her head and his arms encircle her waist. She fervently wished they could stay like this forever, but duty made itself known in the back of her head. She felt John pull away from the embrace.

"There's something important we have to do…the Vorlon…"

"It is no longer safe to have him on the station," Delenn finished for him.

"Hn," John hummed in agreement. "I'm meeting with everyone to discuss the situation. You will be there?"

"Of course," Delenn replied, feeling a little sad that their tender moment was slowly fading into memory. "I…I hope that we can have more moments together that do not involve a strategy table or other people in the room."

John smiled. "Me too." A pause. "I'll see you in about an hour?"

Delenn nodded and turned to go. As the door slid open to allow her access to the hallway, she turned back briefly to look back at her love. He wore his crooked smile, trying to remain in the moment instead of worrying about the future. Delenn smiled back and walked into the hallway, feeling like a huge burden had been lifted from her shoulders. Despite the war, she felt at peace, knowing he was by her side and would remain so. She felt invincible now…the Shadows could never come between them.


End file.
